Families are supposed to be a place of support, love, and acceptance. Sometimes, however, family relationships can be the place where we experience the deepest hurt.
As a Christian, you want to do the right thing and respond Biblically to your toxic family but it seems no matter have much you give or turn the other cheek, the situation does not change.
Sometimes we can spend years sacrificing our mental and spiritual health in harmful relationships under the notion that we have to because they are family.
It is common for people with toxic behavior to create drama or be surrounded by it; try and manipulate others or control others; be needy; and use others to meet their needs.
Traits of a toxic person:
1. Are abusive mentally, physically, sexually, or emotionally. When a relationship is based on manipulation, overt or covert; abuse is happening!
2. The only contact you have with them is negative, or you get anxious about the thought of an encounter with them.
3. The relationship creates so much stress that it affects your work, home, and personal life.
4. The relationship is one-sided, usually it is all about them and their needs.
5. When you do not give in to their demands, silent treatment can happen and blaming.
6. You feel worse after talking with them or being around them. They bring your energy level down.
7. Create drama and chaos, and you get emotionally pulled into the whirlwind of emotions.
8. You find yourself in a cycle of trying to fix, enable, and rescue them, and you end up frustrated because none has worked.
9. Do not take responsibility for their actions, and blame others. Very needy and what you do give them is never enough. They expect you to bail them out of their troubles.
10. If you do say, “No,” to their needs, they will indirectly or directly make you feel guilty.
11. After being in their company for just a short while you end up feeling bad about yourself because you are not helping them in some way.
12. You feel angry around them and even sometimes when you just think about them. You get angry at their constant blame game and victim mentality.
13. You do not enjoy being around them and you feel tense if you see they have called or sent you a text.
14. They are selfish and think only of their needs. They don’t anticipate the feelings or needs of another.
15. Always the victim and their problems are always someone else’s fault.
16. Create strife and division.
17. Unforgiving and angry, sometimes even hostile.
18. There is turmoil and confusion around them.
19. Use others for their needs and benefits, regardless of the impact on others.
20. Lie easily and it is difficult to know when they are telling the truth.
21. Financially irresponsible, and expect you to bail them out of their poor choices.
If you have been involved with a toxic family member for years, letting go of them is not as easy as letting go of a friend or boyfriend/girlfriend. But letting go is what may need to happen so you can gain your sanity back, and allow God to intervene. Try first to set healthy boundaries with your family, and if they break the boundary you implemented; set a consequence. If the boundaries you set for them are repeatedly being broken, or you are not seeing any real change; it may be time to step aside. Letting go may be for a season and not permanent.
If a family member is in a constant state of need, then they are toxic to your health. Taking care of them, fixing their problems, and treating them like a child, are all signs that they are negatively contributing to your health.
Know your limitations and realize we are not superhuman. Realize that a toxic person can drain your energy, health, well-being, and sanity. Detaching is not only healthy but may be exactly what you need to restore you. Because of our Christian teaching of humility, kindness, and self-sacrifice, we sometimes get the impression that setting boundaries and consequences is wrong. We believe that we must endure and take whatever someone dishes out on us. When we give someone permission to repeatedly sin against us without consequences, we enable them to sin. Sometimes the best thing we can do with someone who openly continues to sin is to part company with them. This process can help us to forgive them and pray for them regularly. A lot of the time if we stay engaged in a toxic relationship we can end up bitter, angry, and resentful. We are to keep peace, and one of the best ways to keep peace may be to detach in love.
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world, and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12
What suggestions do you have to deal with a toxic family member?
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